Monday, March 21, 2011


Sometimes I feel like all I do is fail. Do you ever feel like that? Do all women feel like that? I hear about other women working outside the home and I think wow, they must really have it together, to be able to take care of their home and families and still go to work and use their brains for organizing, for taking care of a sick person, for adding numbers, making phone calls, running a business, etc. It seems like I can barely remember the date most days. Even friends who stay at home seem like they can manage it all. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, emails, kids, errands, and they get all done and even make time to exercise and volunteer! I'm a stay at Mom, and I'm busy, and it's a full time job and blah, blah but you know what I don't do a very good job at it. I set these goals in my head, I'm going to clean on a schedule, I'm going to stick to this diet, I'm going exercise x amount of days of the week, I'm going to play with my children more, be a more loving, patient Mother, and so on. But I never follow through for more then a few days, then I get so frustrated with myself. I compare myself to other women, I put myself down, I throw the towel in and think, "I'm never going to succeed." It frustrates the living daylights out of my husband. I've always struggled with my self-esteem, since I can remember. I'm not sure what really brought it on for me to be honest, it's just always been there. So how do I stop comparing and stop putting myself down and just start doing it? I went to a concert yesterday afternoon and watched this amazing women use her gift to touch an entire church full of people, most whom she had never met before. She came from such adversity and rose to super stardom in her home country and then she gave it all up to come here to the United States and restart her life. She was filled with the Holy Spirit as she sang, and I thought to myself, I want to be like that. There I go again, wanting to be someone other then myself, but maybe instead of trying to be her I can look to her for inspiration. After all she is doing this tour to touch people, to share her gift with others and spread the story of our Lord Jesus Christ. Maybe I can take away a small part of what touched me the most which was her genuine belief in and devotion to God and make it a part of me. Maybe by making that small part of her a part of me it will spread to the other areas of my life and I will start succeeding little by little. Most of the time I want to do it all and do it all perfectly or I just don't bother, maybe it's time for me to take it one small step at a time. Maybe if I set my sights on Him, through which all things are possible, I can manage to change my life for the better. So instead of focusing on giving up something for Lent I'm going to focus on having self-discipline and living my life the way I really want to live it. The way He really wants me to live my life.


Jenn said...

I stumbled across your blog recently during a google search for something (cannot quite remember what at the moment), and I have to tell you that I was immediately drawn in. I read the entire thing in one night and then I left, wishing you had written more. I also left wanting to comment, but feeling as though it was not my place. However, I have not been able to get your latest post out of my head. So here goes...

First of all, you have a beautiful family. The love that you have for them really comes through in your writing (which you do very well, for the record).

Secondly, your posts moved me to tears more than once - you are a wonderfully poignant writer. The dream post in particular had me sobbing.

Regarding this post in particular -
I feel like I fail at something pretty much every day. It's one of those things that, as moms, we are not supposed to admit. We lock it up inside, put on a show for everyone else, and then we go home and think about how everyone else has it together - and we get down on ourselves because we don't. But I guarantee (100% absolutely GUARANTEE) that other moms are looking at you and thinking the same things: "How does she DO it? With the kids and the errands and the busy life... how does she keep it together?" No one really knows what it is like to be someone else, and everyone thinks that someone else (maybe even everyone else) is doing a better job than they are.

I do think that women are especially hard on themselves when it comes to things like this. There is this expectation that comes with the titles of wife and mother - this feeling that we have to EARN those titles. And we do this by putting ourselves last, by doing doing doing for everyone else, by having the cleanest house, making the healthiest meals, and putting on a happy face. It's terribly unfair, this burden that we place on ourselves. No one is looking at the life you have and is thinking that you should be doing more... they are all looking at you and feeling awed and as though THEY should be doing more.

I wish that more mothers (parents in general, dads work hard, too!) would open up to each other and be completely honest. Sometimes I order pizza for dinner, rather than cook the healthy meal I know I *should* prepare. Sometimes I let the dishes go for an entire day (maybe even 2!), or the laundry for an entire week. Sometimes I say "forget the schedule, I need a break!" and I sit and eat ice cream while the kids are napping, rather than 'catching up' on other things. Sometimes I run out of patience and I snap at my kids; then, when they are finally in bed, I CRY - partly from relief that the day is over, and partly because I feel like the worst mother on the planet. But you know what? I don't tell other people that! Those things I just mentioned are "shameful" and not to be spoken of! So I smile and I nod and I pretend I have it together... but I don't. It is my firm belief that nobody has it all the way figured out - not at twenty, not at thirty, and probably not even at forty or fifty.

What you are is an incredible woman. One who cares about her family. One who does the best she can on any given day. One who may make mistakes but who always means well. Who can ask for anything more than that?

A couple more things. I am so sorry that this is so long; I didn't realize quite how much I had to say when I started out! And, I truly hope that nothing I said offended you. I just wanted you to know that you are much less alone than it probably feels like. xoxo

Scarlette Rose girls said...

Jenn, thank you so much for your comment and kind words. No offense taken at all!! You are a wonderful writer as well. It's funny, the day before you posted this comment I wrote another post. I was feeling inspired to write again and was thinking about how I really need to get back into my blogging, so thank you for the extra inspiration!!